Love means different things for different people. Love could be that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach – those butterflies you feel going wild when you see the person you love, when they smile at you. For some, love may bring peace, for some love brings longing.
I don’t really know what love is. I think its meaning changes with every person I feel strongly for. I think I have been in love once or twice before. At that time it was an intense attraction, a desire for attachment, a desire to be smiled at all the time, a desire to hold their hand. But I have felt a different kind of love and a different kind of heartbreak each time it happened
But this time, I don’t really know. It feels similar to how they label ‘love’ in the movies, but its different. It’s similar to how I have felt in the past, but its nothing like I have felt before. It’s not a desire to hold hands, not a desire for sex, not a desire to be appreciated, not a desire to be loved in return.
It’s just a desire to be together. It’s a desire to be around.
Have you ever felt like a jolt of electricity hit you the first time you saw someone? Have you ever felt, that from the second you saw that person, they were someone you wanted to approach, someone you really wanted to talk to, to find out about them, to listen to them? It’s not because that person was beautiful or supremely attractive. But because a little molecule in the air whispered in your ear, “Go meet him, explore”. Has that molecule, that tiny particle of dust ever pushed you to look into someone’s eyes like you could look into their soul? Have you ever felt like something was pulling you towards that person and there was something you needed to know, and that moment has finally come in your life when you will be told a story you always wanted to hear.
Have you felt like just being around that person? All the time! Have you ever felt like being a part of their life? Have you ever felt the intense desire to make them part of your life? Have you ever felt the desire to be a part of them? Make them a part of you? To have your souls entwined, like they were one, so that no one could ever tell them apart, not even you.
Have you ever felt the desire to just listen to them talk? Like all you were meant to do on this earth, in this life, was to listen to them? That is what you were born for? To hear them talk about their dreams, hopes, troubles, moments of joy, their fears. And all you wanted to do is sit in front of them, look at their face while they talked, admire the contours of their face, study the way the light fell on their forehead, listen to the melody of their voice, and gauge their feelings from the changes in their tone, their volume and how steady their voice was or wasn’t. To ravish in the words they speak. So much so that you wanted to touch the words that came out of their mouth, and ask them “this land you come from, how beautiful is it? Tell me about it”. You ask the words that come out of their mouth to tell you a story. You ask the light that you see in their eyes to show you their world.
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you had moments when you felt like they were a part of you after all? Like a tiny piece of you popped out of your body and is standing there grinning at you, towering over you…..or slouching over you, sheltering you, and reminding you that you are a beautiful person.
Or maybe it was me thinking they were beautiful, and wanted to make that beauty a part of me.
Have you ever seen a halo around someone? Invisible, yet so bright that you felt compelled to touch them, to see if they were real or not? I have. And after realizing they were real, have you ever touched yourself, just to make sure, only to find out that you are real too, and that moment when you two are sitting together is as real as it gets….making you gasp with surprise! HOW could this be real? How could I be here sitting with someone so divine, so unearthly that I could feel the heat emanating from their aura.
Have you ever felt the desire to just be around this aura, this energy, this person all the time? To spend your life with them. You want to hold them, to embrace them, to feel their skin on yours, but you don’t really need to.Their presence is enough. Them sitting right beside you is enough for you to last a little longer. That is all you need.
Have you ever felt like a flame went out somewhere inside you when they left the room. Have you ever felt an intense fear that the walls around you will crumble and crash down on you, with you crouching under their burden, all alone and wondering where That Person is, and why couldn’t you spend your last moments alive with them.
Of all the times I have been in love, I have never felt this kind of energy around me. Is this love at all? I don’t know.
If it isn’t, then what is it?